I distinctly remember saying to myself in highschool "Maxx, you're not college material." Maybe it was my junior year, maybe my senior year, the thought crossed my mind numerous times both years, and not to my surprise it still lurks in my mind.
Discouraging is not the word to match my frustration. Part of me feels like I have grown as a person and a learner but I haven't. Yes I joined the military to get away. Right now it seems as if only for that reason. Abandoning my problems and heading west has not been the way out. I still deal with the same things now as I did then; humility, envy, desire, simplifying fractions, weight, poor time management and frustration. It is as if I have only added onto my persona without losing any of the traits that hold me back. Perhaps it is just my make up and some things I can never releave which I expect.
I would sit in AP English & SUPA, Algebra II & Statistics and feel stupid because I was behind everyone else. I would try my hardest, at least what I thought at the time was my hardest and nothing seemed to work. After being pushed down for four years the last thing my heart and mind wanted was to be pushed down for another four years. My intelligence is not high. I was raised to listen to instructions, to obey directions and that is what I did in school not making me smart just dutiful.
When it comes down to it I am studying for the SAT which I took in high school and received such a poor score that I neglected putting it to memory. I need the SAT to get into the Academy which is right now all I can focus on. As I study, it is remphasized to me how I am not college material.
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Hey Maxx, Its Graham here. I can't believe how long its been. I haven't even been home to Maine for more than a day in just about a year. I was just reading this post and it resonated with a lot of stuff I was just thinking about. Algebra II and the rest where a couple of the places I did feel comfortable but now I am in my 5th year of Art School and I can definately empathize with what you are writing about. I never knew how creative people could be and it can be something I work hard at and pull allnighters to attain and see the littlest sliver of results. But this made me realize that the last thing that we should is get hung up on other peoples standards... particularly one standard of measurement. I remember from getting to hang out with you that you where one of the most genuine and intelligent people I knew and you taught me a lot of valuable stuff about music, life, common sense and being social (I was raised by Holly after all ;) ) You have gotta find your own but on my system of standards you stack up as one of the most stand up people I know.
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