Christmas was Away from Home

It was sunny and about 72 on christmas eve. It had rained like nothing I had ever seen before for the four days leading up to christmas so it was nice to have some sun. OK!!! so I was fully content with going to church on christmas eve. Bri and Patrick are both catholic so they wanted to go to midnight mass which I was all for. So we find a St. Joseph's and we go to the midnight mass. We sit down and nothing to my surprise the congregation was lookin' pretty hispanic. I think to myself 'we are in catholic church in california, so of course there will be alot of mexican people.' However it was much to our own surpise that the midnight mass was entirely in spanish. We forgot to ask if the service was in latin, english or spanish. We totally went through an entire service just listening to this priest speak in Spanish, it was kind of nice to listen to him talk though. I blame myself partially because there are church in Lewiston and Auburn that still do thier services in French so me being in California there was going to be a good chance that the services here might be in Spanish. After our hispanic jesus worship we went to Denny's where Bri, the texan that she is introduced me to country fried steak. It was seriously good shit. I was like "wow" and for those of you who know me well enough, you can so imagine me saying that. Christmas day was really rainy and windy. Somewhat depressing. My first christmas away from home but I managed. I was awoken by a bunch of people calling me to wish me a merry christmas thus I called a bunch more people to wish them a merry christmas as well. I spent the afternoon and evening with my friend David Hinojos and his wife, two children and another couple Grant and Jennifer. We had a wonderful time, had an awesome roast beef dinner with all the trimmings and such. After dinner we played this Karoake game on playstation which needless to say I was not the best at. But I dont think the game new how to judge because I new about every word to every song on the hits list and I was belting my heart out. Oh well I am not letting it get me down. Then I was able to talk to Audrey and Sophie and luckily they got cell phones so I will be able to talk to them for free now. Because I was talking to Audrey for long periods of time and I can imagine that it will be racking up my phone bill. I am in California and she is in Maine, she is one of the most important people in my life right now and easily my favorite. I gotta be able to talk to my girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah I am such a nerdy bastard. Christmas away from home ended up being not too bad though. There was some parts where I wish I was home and other times when it was reaffirmed to me that I dont want to be anywheres else.

Gold Country

Sorry for not putting another post up for a while. Other things have been going on. Like going to buy a car!!!!

So Patrick, Bri and I went to Roseville on Saturday to look at cars for me, used cars obviously since that is really all I can afford. I test drove a Saturn and it wasnt that great, it wasnt particularly fun to drive @ all. The car saleman was not very good @ her job either, she was not personable enough for herself let alone other people. She asked me my name about 3 times. They were asking way to too much for their vehicles and wanted to put me in $20,000 cars when I kept reemphasizing to them that my price bracket was not to exceed $11,000.

The second car saleman I saw was awesome. Mike was the man, he was the internet/fleet manager so he worried more about moving actual cars than getting them @ the best price for him. He came right out and told me "Lets not worry about you buying a car today from me or anyone else, lets figure out what you can afford and what you want." He told me since I was a first time buyer if I had questions concerning any other cars I saw @ his site or any other to call him. He seemed sincere but you can never tell with car salesmen.

We then proceeded to see the Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe. After looking @ car prices all day I was not surprised to see that a friggin movie ticket in California costs $9.50. That is fucked up. After seeing the price come up on the register Patrick was like "Fuck that" but it was too late, it had already been rung up. The movie's projected audience was roughly 10 years old so the three of us thought it was kind of crap. Patrick said he liked it just it was a little too young. I wanted to go see King Kong but I lost in 'Ranger, Poacher, Bear'.

To round off the night, we went to this cool burger place called Red Robin. It was good but its like $9 for a burger. A good burger but not a $9 burger. Final thought - California is fucking expensive. I totally see why they call the region where I live 'Gold Country'.

We Could be Heroes

I was looking through one of my notebooks and found this poem I wrote back in my senior year. I haven't written in a while but just started up again. Someone special reminded me what it felt like to write. Mind you I wrote this before joining the military I just wanted to write a ballad like Bob Dylan and I was reminded of David Bowie's song "We Can be Heroes" but always thought that the song was awesome but the name did not fit with the rest of the lyric. Just wanted to tell a story thats all. Tell me what you think -

We Could be Heroes...
that’s why I put my body near the ground for cover
Holding my field arm and grenades
Dylan, Bowie and I are on sides of each other
Each knowing we are afraid
and so I look to my brother
His sweat telling me we’re in a cage
I want to go back…to my mother
but the land mines have been laid

The option being forward
There was only one way
We could be heroes
Just for one day

Dirt comes in my eye
Bullets hit ground, pushing dirt out at me
I say “We’re G.I.s
We’re infrantry”
Bowie says “No hero ideas guy
I joined for help towards a degree”
Dylan says “We’re gonna die
-tryin’ to make this damn dirt free”
“We signed our names
‘tis set in stone
We knew we might go to our graves
not our homes”
Bowie: “This is no war game
-kid- those bullets got tone
We’re not gonna die on your thirst for fame
So you’re on your own”

“I want no fame
That’s why I say
We could be heroes
Just for one day”

Dylan says how he’s from a small town
How there’s only one traffic light
Atleast that’s what I hear between machine gun rounds
And how he wishes he’d be walkin’ mainstreet tonight
We will lay here forever shielded by the ground
That is my largest fright

Back home everyone was surprised I put my name down
I’m last to want to fight

Bowie took position to aim
Dylan looked at me in self-disgrace
He started running until the bullet came
-puncturing him above the waist
Falling to the ground, half slain
Returning to me in a vital pace
Asking “Why must I die on this grain?”
Eye to eye, he pukes his blood on my face

As I look there
Where Dylan lay
We could be heroes
Just for one day

I say to Bowie “I know I’m early in years
But we got nothing else left
Let us forget our fears
And show those bastards our crest”
Clutching his shirt “We’re here
-there’s no way out of this mess
You’re my superior but get your gear
We’re overtaking our enemies nest!”

Bowie says “My options are weighed
As it is yours, this is my deathbed
Since my decision is made
I’ll take us both away from this dread”
With this he takes one of my two grenades
Pulls the pin, puts it in the mouth of his head
I’m rolling away afraid
As Bowie turns foreign soil American red

Hearing no sound, I was okay
With more blood on my skin
A grenade takes a man’s head away
The helmet worn keeps the explosion within
This outcome may be what may
‘Forgive me for I am about to sin’
but we can be heroes just for one day
of this last grenade I be pullin’ my pin
I be a stormin’ in

the computer erased my awesome post

yeah so I had this awesome post, but the computer is really stupid and just erased it all.

I am not happy...

I want to talk to Audrey.

California is awesome....

Sacramento on Friday night

Skiing @ Lake Tahoe on Saturday

San Francisco on Saturday & Sunday

Got to talk to Sophie on sunday night that was so the highlight of my weekend

My Venture

Responsibility, reality and the bitch of life all followed my shadow this past sunday the 4th. I woke up hoping to get a good start on the day with a run and then to pack up the last of my things. Unfortunately & fortunately it began to snow as I was walking out the door so I decided against the morning run. The day consisted of visiting my grandmother with my mother where I had a wonderful time talking about what lay ahead for me in california. My grandmother is one of my favorite people, she knows how to be a friend and even more so a parent.

Later my mother, my brother Zack and I had a late lunch @ Gippers, the place where I have been going to eat since I was about 9 years old. It was a short but sentimental dinner. While eating my Reuben sandwich I realized how it was going to be the last time I would eat there in a long time to come.

After that I hung out with Audrey & Sophie where we just looked at pictures on my comp of the Hurricane & Tech school. They are the people in my life right now who really ground me, reminding me of how compassionate & 'good' some people naturally are. Also they are just really funny. Then I saw my friend Shelly and she brought me over to my Dad's house where I saw him for just a little bit. Enough to bank the memory of just being with him since I will not be seeing hom for a while.

We got to the airport without problems. My mother was wearing her beautiful red coat and hat that she usually wears during the christmas season. It accents her hair and makes her lips look full. My mother really is a beautiful woman. As I was getting in the security line to enter the terminal I noticed that she had started crying. Her baby was leaving. He was going to safety, to peril, to make love, to lose love, to reside under men perhaps better than himself or perhaps not better, to live, to learn, to serve, to call her on christmas day to see how her holiday is evolving, to look at pictures in his wallet of the people close to him in his world, to use the manners she instilled, to wear the face that measures close to her own, to use the compassion she taught him. He is her son. I am her son. When I hugged her and saw in her teary eyes how the mixture of sadness & glee conjured potent bliss for although she could not join her son who she had nursed; she knew that it was his time for his venture. My venture.

Content with the Return/Anxious for the Escape

Having dinner at my father's house this evening has been very nice. Like all other family and friends that are like family one forgets how awesome it is just to sit and visit with a familiar face.

My flight leaves Monday 05Dec @ 0530 from Portland. My mother is bringing me. Hopefully I dont get teary like I did when I left her in Texas. She and I have talked about alot of things since I have been home - she understands that her baby is "all grown up" now. I percieve my father as being very happy for me. At first I think he was unsure about my choice in the military but now he is proud to have his son in the position that I am in.

Coming home, there is just nothing like Auburn Maine. People ask me, inquiring about what it is like to live in Maine, let alone Auburn. I simply say "there is really nothing like it." After living in the south in a working class community similiar to that of Auburn I understand how it is special. Things are growing and I imagine that by the next time I return to these streets it will be this semi-metropolitan area. I look forward to such a return but am anxious for the initial escape.

My father is cooking dinner so I must go. More blogs will be posted that arent as generalized as the past few have been. Everyone just think...Monday afternoon I am into the west.

Done with School, Back @ Home, Venturing West

Don't worry, I am alive and doing quite well. I have finally graduated from tech school in MS and am now back in Maine for a little while before I go to Beale AFB, CA. My friends at Keesler were unlike any other friends that I have ever had before. The comradery and sense of friendship that existed between my class and I was unlike anything else that I have ever experienced. Life is very good. When I get a normal subscription to the net where I am able to update the blog more regularly with posts I will do so. Until then thank you everyone for everything...you know who you are.

Ok....So it has been Forever

I am still alive so no one has to worry. The internet has not been the most available commodity in the past month. Anyway I am back at the 338th squadron and not mixed in with all of the other jobs. School is going really well. When we went back to school I started in block 5 of 10 and now we are going into block 8 on monday and friday we will be starting the infamous make/break block 9. I have really put myself into high gear for the past two blocks as far as studying and concentration goes. Tech school is different from any other learning environment I have been in. In high school it was about knowing the info for the test to pass the course and not much more. Whereas here in tech school it is about knowing how to do your job and being the most well rounded in your skills as possible. People are depending on you to know the info. Working the teams like we do on certain exercises building & configuring computer networks the communication is key. Just working with the people I am with prompts me to do better even when I get discouraged which happens very often.

My grandfather passed away this earlier this week. I saw him often growing up but for the most part he and my grandmother lived in Florida. As a teenager I had only seen him a few times...only a few times to pick up on how he really was. He had cancer and was a heavy smoker and drinker. After joining the military though I understand certain things about him more so than I did before. I remember when I saw him last he asked me "are you proud of who you are," I was unsure of where he was going and somewhat puzzled but I remember nodding my head and he said "than stand up straight and dont slouch." He told me about things I would learn while in the military or more specifically basic training.
"You'll always be hungry in basic training....you'll be proud of who you are...it doesnt matter color they are, what they like to do, or where they're from. When their in your platoon you are family and thats it. You dont need to like 'em yuou just need to go to war with 'em" Although in the USAF we don't have platoons; I totally understand what he meant. People will be around that you may not like or that u may not get along with but when something needs to be done you need to be able to get it done with them. And thats it.

I may be going home before my grad date for his funeral and service but I hope it will be held off until around thanksgiving. That way I will be able graduate with my current class and be home for thanksgiving with my full family on both sides. If that sounds selfish I am sorry but that is just how I hope it turns out. The sooner I am out of here the better and being able to going home only once and paying my respects will be easier than going home for 48 hours, coming back to MS than heading back in 2-3 weeks.

Things are happening as they always do. Next time I can grab an internet connection I will document the things that resonate in my mind @ that particular time. Until then god bless all of you.

Lullaby

One of the carnal suggestions that I heard before and during my entry into the military was "do not volunteer for anything." Well I volunteered to stay behind and "help the community" when all I really did was move furniture, pick up trash and rake leafes and never leave the friggin base. I apologize for my poor attitude but I have found out that the USAF has shipped all of the people who were in training with me for my career feild to their first duty stations. If I had not volunteered I would not still be on Keesler AFB not able to leave the gates, I would be a permanent party Airmen not a student, I would be doing my job hands on training and not run the risk of failing a test and getting kicked out of my career feild and I would be in Sacremento California. Run on Sentence!!!! But I volunteered and stayed cuase thats what I do, and I would not change that fact @ all. I am here so be it. I am fortunate to have stayed.

One of my favorite people in the entire world called me today, Britt Delaney who I met on my life changing trip to Great Britian. She is easily one of the sweetest people period as well as quite the looker. We chatted for a while and just caught up on some of the small stuff that supports all the big stuff. Just being able to hear someone's voice that is instantly recognizable even though u have not heard it for so long is like a lullaby that was sang to you as a child resung to you as an adult. It delivers the same feelings and activates the same instincts as when it serenaded you earlier in your life. Britt has one of those voices. I associate her and the times we had with the period in my life so far. To be able to have her call me and talk to her allowed me to breathe for the first time in 3 weeks. She was what I needed since my peers and I are starting school on Monday and we all needed a breather.

Closure

I am no longer in limbo and it is very nice. Today SMSgt(Senior Master Sergeant) Caveneau came and briefed us on what exactly is happening to us concerning our job training and here is the list of goals the 81st training group has planned for:

1. Bring 400 of the 1100 airmen that were sent away 3 weeks ago back to Keesler to continue training in the jobs that are in high demand for the USAF. Air Traffic Controllers, Ground Radio, PC Networking(my AFSC), weather, etc.
2. Bring airmen from basic training to Keesler for thier job training.
3. Get life somewhat back to normal here @ Keesler AFB.

I know that life here in the gulf coast region will not be the way it was before the hurricane for years to come. So pretty much life here @ Keesler will totally sucks more than it did pre-Katrina however my peers and I are happy that they are atleast bringing our friends back from Texas and the other bases they were shipped off to for training. A wonderful reunion will commence.

Today my detail team was suppossed to go off base and give rations, water, supplies and clothing to shelters in the area. This would have been the first any of us have left the base in the last 3.5 weeks. However the transport that was suppossed to come and pick my Team up never showed up so we sat around in the Fish Tank(the area in the squadron where there is satellite TV and Halo 2 tournaments) and watched the films Top Gun and Shawn of the Dead. For the most part it was a complete waste of my day because although they were both entertaining films I would much rather be outside working and contributing something than watching TV. As I told my close friend Henderson, I get up in the morning to do something, not sit around on my ass.

Life is better here at Keesler. Especially since our briefing w/ the SMSgt. One of the major things that strike me with the upper enlisted core is that they deliver no smoke screens and shovel no bullshit. Any one who knows me knows that I can be a good bullshitter. You can't bullshit a bullshitter. What SMSgt said to my squadron today was direct and to the point and might not have been what everyone wanted to hear but it gave people closure. It was definitive. Now that my squadron has closure, each of us will have to look into our own experience, values and disciplines to see what we want and need from our future.

the realization

We went into the Bryant Hall shelter Sunday night @ 1900(7:00pm)
The shelter lost power sometime during the night. While on door guard to make sure no one would try to leave the shelter I witnessed roof tiles being ripped off of airplane hangers and swirl through the air like fallen leaves in autumn. We watched windows on cars get blown out by small pebbles that we couldn't even see...it just looked like the wind was doing it itself. The hurricane had not made landfall yet.
We were able to leave the shelter tuesday morning around 1000. It was nice to have clean air and not be so conjested. Then began the realization-
The gazeebo by the track was totally destroyed, giant trees were twisted & deformed to the point where the trunk just looked like a girl's long braid of hair. The base exchange had 8 feet of water in it, the two main gates were destroyed(there were no more guard shacks), there was no more civil engineering warehouse, it was as if the building was never fully completed. It just looked like the workers built the frame to the building and that was it, everything else was ripped clean away. The realization was that the state of mississippi had no power, the bay of biloxi where I was located had lost one of its two bridges to the main land, it had no power or running water. Finally there were 9 casinos in biloxi ms, there are now 5.
Thursday morning @ 0145 they woke us up for an emergency formation where my squadron was told that the 81 Training Group could not afford to keep 1500 non prior service airmen @ Keesler AFB, training isnt suppossed to reconvene until April 2006. The realization is that we had to pack 1 bag because the rest of our possessions would be mailed to us. We were flying out to two AFBs in TX to be either reclassed into a new job or be dealt with some other way.
They asked for 125 volunteers to stay behind and help with the clean up...I stayed.
I said good bye to my friends who I have called my family since the first day of basic training six months ago.
The president, sec. of def., cheif of staff of the USAF, and a plethora of other politicians came to Keesler to look @ the damage. All of you have seen it on TV.
I am now apart of a group of 400 airmen who stayed behind to help clean up. Our morale is higher than a bunch of sixth weekers in BMT. The work we are doing is giving some people hope and enthusiam for the work and times ahead. We are cleaning up the base, helping it to become operational again. There is so much more to say - now we have gotten power back and they have set up some free internet access for people to utilize. More will come.

The realization is this - I am an Airmen in the United States Air Force. I wake in the morning thankful for everything God gives me. I have been raised seeing those people who are less fortunate than myself. The Air Force is now allowing me dare to be great. Through placing my integrity first I find myself placing my service and duty before my own aspirations. When my brethren needs my help, it is my duty not only as an Airmen but as a fellow person to go to their aid. I will be here as long as I can. Katrina brought in alot of messages with her winds, one of them was the realization that I am an Airman in the United States Air Force.

There's a Storm A Comin'

Wow, so much has happened since the last post.....
My squadron, the 338th Dark Knights are here the longest for training. We also have the highest test scores within the triangle(the campus area is called the triangle) so for some reason people in the 338th feel that they can drink alcohol underage and then drive a car. However the mississippi law enforcement community as well as Keesler AFB security forces division feel otherwise. More Dark Knights have been caught w/ DUIs than any other squadron in the triangle so we had to have a mandatory alcohol awareness training on our day off. It was long and useless in my opinion. The info given is the same info everyone heard before prom night in highschool and during their D.A.R.E. program in middle school. My view is that the people who are going to drink alcohol irresponsibly & underage are going to do it no matter what repititious lecture you give them. Some people need lectures on basic decision making not the effects of alcohol.

Then after the breifing I had to go pull floor gaurd @ the squadron for 6 hours. My duties being to make sure no one lights the building on fire or does anything crazy. It is useless for the most part seeing as how per a MTL(military training leader) there has never been such an act in the history of any AF training installation. But if people in the Army would do it to their buildings, obviously people the in the AF would do it to their buildings. On a serious note, I see their point but living in the dorm my peers and I know that the floor gaurd shift is uncalled for.

Finally my weekend started on Friday night @ 6:15, I went to Cajun's fabulous fried chicken buffet and it was out of this world good. My friend Henderson joined me and let me tell you that restaurant lost $ when we walked through those doors. Then we went to the mall and I purchased the John Cusack film "Say Anything" which is such a ridulously great movie I suggest everyone see it. Anyone who really knows me, really knows about my past and who I am as a person will agree that I am the main character Lloyd Dobbs. He is I as I am him. He is a warrior of optimism, long winded but good with words, loves music(he listens to the replacements for god sakes), kick boxes, is a gentemen, friends w/ mostly women & knows them better then most men, is known as the all around nice guy. People, is that not me?

On Saturday I volunteered with some other people from my squadron painting bleachers, snack shacks, and bathrooms @ a local pee wee football feild. It was a lot of fun and very rewarding. Being able to work outside, play with some of the little kids, and see and someplace that I had yet to go was awesome.

Today the entire gulfcoast is preparing for the arrival of Katrina. She is expected to set down overnight Sunday into Monday morning so we will be sheltering tonight after formation most likely. W/ 175 mph winds she is going to be a bitch. Yeah base clean up. I am going to round off this very long blog entry - Do yourself a favor and rent the movie "Say Anything" and off I go into total confinement for the next 24-36 hours.

Two Reminders from the Divine

Although I was raised going to church with my mother most people who know me know that I am not a particularly religious person. I lean more towards the spiritual side of things versus organized doctrine. Anyways what happened today was definitely effected by some sort of higher power let me tell you!
Today was my block test for block 4: IP addressing. I had a really good grasp on the classwork & homework but when I was given the appraisal I did not really know where to start or how to build an IP address from some network id or any of the other jargon that was crammed into my brain. It was also found that a few other people felt the same way I did so at least I was not the only one.
After going over the homework and asking the teacher a number of questions the test started and I was totally 'out of control' was we like to say in the Air Force. The test was a learning experience in that I could have studied alot more than I had. Anyways I was sure that I was going to fail and get either washed back in the block or even worse yet very realistic discharge. But I finished the test and the teacher said that I barely passed - which I barely did w/ a 70. A higher power of some sort was looking down on me because man should I have failed this test. My heart was just preparing itself for a puncture and my guts psyching themselves into getting kicked out. But I passed so I will be going onto block 5 with all of my friends. After looking back over the test I dont understand how I passed other than having a divine light shed a little brighter over certain educated guesses that I made.
Later in the day - I just thought it was kind of funny. I was sitting for the bus to arrive while there was a huge thunder & rain storm forming. Contemplating the test earlier in the day I just had the thought of how the 'divine being' showed himself to me today by allowing me pass that test. As I got onto the bus the downpoor started and there were rolls & rolls of thunder. Grabbing a seat I saw a flash of lightning and I thought "oh thats just another reminder of who helped me pass today."

Duty Discipline Motivation

Starting the Journal on My Birthday

My life consists of 0330 formations where I not only condition my body but prepare my mind for the tasks at hand for the 13 hour work day that is to come. Haste is usually the word that defines my life during the weekdays. Before entering the Air Force it was important to me to get in as much into the day as I could. Having gone through basic military training I now understand what Gandalf means when he says "...show the meaning of haste." It is true that in the military one does more before 8:00am than most civilians due in their whole day. With all the verses, choruses and bridges that compose my day I felt it would be appropriate to start a blog -
Inspired by E. Horne.